ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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