The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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