Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
