Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i've created a new STD.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
