I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
