I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
