By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
