Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
