Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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