remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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