it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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