I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
In America we eat man semen.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
