I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize