HIV tests are more positive than that guy
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
