Is it normal to miss your booty call?
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
