The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
