if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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