A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
