i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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