my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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