i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
