My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize