there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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