Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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