So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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