i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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