No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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