Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
how drunk are you?
Several
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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