I cannot find my penis.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize