He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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