We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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