all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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