Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
