Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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