Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
