I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
