Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
