he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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