I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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