Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
