Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
