OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
