Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just found puke in my bra..
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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