Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
