Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize