you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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