Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
