If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
