Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
the night ended with taco bell and tears
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize