My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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