Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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