every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
OPIZZABONMYDICK
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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