I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
be right there i have to get my cape
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
