My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
