What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
