my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
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