i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The Olympian is in my bed
You're a disaster
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