so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
