I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
