She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
