i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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