I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
