It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
