What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
