I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
