Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
