dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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