I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
