Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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