i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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