Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
